


Hanzo the Human

by preetkiran1016



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Cats, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Genji is a Little Shit, Hanzo has a thing for cowboys and you'll never convince me otherwise, Hanzo is a disaster, Hanzo is a gay disaster, Hanzo the Cat, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Pets, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-06-21 05:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preetkiran1016/pseuds/preetkiran1016
Summary: Genji chuckled, “Brother, meet Hanzo, our residential troublemaker. Hanzo, meet Hanzo the human.”The cat meowed, jumping out of Winston’s grasp to scratch at Genji’s plating.“Why.” Hanzo stated, expression turning to one of long suffering.“Because he’s an asshole.”





	1. Chapter 1

       Hanzo arrived to Watchpoint: Gibraltar on a cloudy Tuesday afternoon. If he could, he’d admit to being on edge, dragons squirming under his tattoo. But he was a Shimada, and Shimada’s do not admit to weakness. Genji greeted him at the gate. Hanzo blinked, watching Genji falter before the cyborg spoke.

       “I did not think you would come.” Genji said, voice warped by metal plating, “At least, not so soon brother.”

       “It is hard not to... rethink one’s priorities. More-so after such a revelation.” Hanzo said, straightening up further. His shoulders strained, Stormbow’s case dug into his skin. He felt out of place, following Genji into the Watchpoint. They passed several others (agents?) in the halls. They nodded politely at him though their lingering gaze only confirmed Hanzo’s suspicions. They knew who he was.

       What he’d done.

       Genji led him into a conference room, already occupied by... a gorilla.

       Hanzo blinked, looking to Genji and then back again.

       Apparently he wasn’t hallucinating... good to know.

       The gorilla cleared his throat, gesturing for the two to sit. “Genji, Mr. Shimada. Please, if you would.”

       “Always so formal Winston. This isn’t a proper inquiry, lighten up.” Genji laughed, propping his feet up onto the table. Winston scowled, glaring at the cyborg before turning his attention to Hanzo.

       “Mr. Shimada. It’s good to meet you. I am Winston, the current leader of Overwatch. Genji has informed me you are considering joining us?”

       “You may call me Hanzo. Genji had... persuaded me to consider the option months ago, and... I have come to the conclusion that it is a logical step. If you would have me.”

       Winston’s face lit up, a wide smile splitting his lips. “Of course!! It’s always good to see new faces join us. The roster has thinned out, but we welcome all-comers.”

       “I thank you for the opportunity.” Hanzo bowed his head, ignoring Winston’s stuttered thanks as he stood from the table.

       “There are plenty of spare rooms available, so choose any you like. Genji can show you around the base if that is alright with you. There are no missions scheduled for the upcoming week-HANZO!!!!”

       Hanzo jumped, drawing a knife from his sleeve as he turned, arm raised, poised to strike-

       To see Winston pulling a large, fuzzy, black and white spotted feline off of his face.

       “What-”

       “Hanzo you brat!” Winston continued, spitting in anger at the large cat. Hanzo looked to Genji, eyes wide as the cyborg laughed.

       “What the fuck is going on?”

       Genji chuckled, “Brother, meet Hanzo, our residential troublemaker. Hanzo, meet Hanzo the human.”

       The cat meowed, jumping out of Winston’s grasp to scratch at Genji’s plating.

       “Why.” Hanzo stated, expression turning to one of long suffering.

       “Because he’s an asshole.”

       “Genji!”

\----------------------------------

       Turns out, the Watchpoint was host to a lot of cats. They played a part in keeping the base free from vermin, and most were sociable. It was common to find agents playing or feeding their favorites, and Hanzo was no exception. A calico named Sakura took a shine to Hanzo immediately, and he delighted in spending his time playing with her.

       Hanzo the Cat was another matter.

       The feline was a menace. He attacked anyone and everyone, causing chaos and mayhem. More than once Hanzo heard another agent screaming his name in anger, only to find that the cat had broken something or caused bodily harm. One morning Lena almost ended up skewered on Hanzo’s arrow. The cat attacked her during breakfast, biting fingers and stealing bacon right off her plate. The commotion disturbed Hanzo’s peaceful morning, his rice spilled as he drew an arrow, shooting on instinct.

       He would never admit to the relief of watching Lena time-jump away.

       He stopped carrying Stormbow around the base after that. He still hid multiple knives on his person at all times, but it was easier to avoid killing people when the weapon never left his hand. However, despite his best efforts, the cat remained on base. The feline was the best at ridding the base of vermin and rodents of all sorts, and hard to catch.

       Most annoying, was that Genji had taken to calling him ‘Human Hanzo’. He cursed his existence, mumbling out Japanese rapid fire as it caught on with each new agent. The day Hana called him ‘Human H’ he punched a hole in the drywall.

       She laughed.

       “Gigi, chill out.” She hummed, snapping her chewing gum with an obnoxious pop. “So what. The cat is annoying, you don’t like it. No one else does either, but he does a good job. Just get used to it.”

       “My brother named a bastard of a cat after me. I do not see a positive to this.” Hanzo snapped.

       “Yeah welllllll.” Hana said, pausing to button mash her handheld.

       “Hana.”

       “Ya?”

       Hanzo leveled her with a flat stare.

       Hana chuckled. “Oh come on. Carry around a spray bottle then and just avoid him. Or bribe him with food like Sakura.”

       “Sakura is a well behaved darling. She is far better than that devil child.” Hanzo scowled, crossing his arms.

       “Aw look at you, already a Cat Dad.”

       “A-a what?”

       “Cat Dad. Kinda like a Cat Lady. It’s a little cute.”

       “I’m not... _cute._ ” Hanzo hissed.

       “Says you.” Hana laughed, dodging Hanzo’s swipe at her handheld before jumping off the couch. "Face it man, you can be pretty cute. For a crusty old yakuza that is.”

       “Hana...” Hanzo growled, getting up.

       “Hanzo...?” Hana chuckled nervously, backing up towards the break room entrance. “Let’s think about this.”

       “Come here you—AAGGGGHH,”

       Hanzo yelped, falling to his knees as a weight landed on his back, sharp claws digging into skin. He twisted, hand finding purchase in rough, tangled fur as he pulled the cat off his back. Hanzo (the cat) stared back at him, smug as a cat that got the cream. Hanzo (the human) scowled, staring the feline down until the cat bit his finger. He winced, dropping the mangy feline to the ground. He scampered off, little paws scraping against the concrete floor before the sound petered out.

       “Well,” Hana said, “At least you both hate each other right?”

\--------------------------------------

The next few months were...interesting.

       Winston scheduled him for three separate missions once a few more people filtered in. All three were relatively low level, no risk. Genji joined him on two, Hana on the other. Winston and Lena were...tolerable. Winston was good company, when he wasn’t a nervous wreck. The other agents…

       Well he had no opinions, one way or another. They did their missions, didn’t interfere with his comings and goings. Dr. Ziegler was professional, though her distaste for Hanzo was palpable each time they met. He could understand, her having been the person to have pieced his brother together again after Hanzo’s act of violence.

       He didn’t blame her.

       The human’s on base were all tolerable. Is what it eventually boiled down too. Hanzo dodged invitations to meditate with Genji and Zenyatta, played video games with Hana, and gossiped with Mei and Symmetra. He developed a schedule. He adapted.

       Except for the damn demon cat.

       After the rec room incident, Hanzo took carrying a small spray bottle of water with him. He would sit down on couches to be attacked from below, his legs covered in cat scratched within minutes. The cat hissed whenever they were in the same room, hacking up hairballs while maintaining eye contact and chewing through Hanzo’s belongings if he dared leave anything out in the open. Hanzo lost three silk scarves to the demon before he wizened up. He stuck to simple hair ties for a while.

       Genji especially seemed to find his misery entertaining.

       “So Human Hanzo.” He gloated, watching Hanzo tense over his breakfast of natto and rice.

       “I told you not to call me that.” Hanzo grumbled.

       “Yeah yeah. So, how’s Overwatch so far? Making friends? Getting along with Hanzo?”

       “I hate you. Were I born an only child i’d be saved of this suffering.” Hanzo said, face impassive.

       “You do not mean that, who would get the stick out of your ass then?”

       Hanzo huffed, eyebrow raised as he stood from the table. “I am not a complete boor, you are just completely ludicrous.” He paused, considering for a moment before a smirk crossed his face.

       Genji gulped.

       They moved in an instant, Hanzo leaping forward as Genji ducked, getting a bowl full of sticky rice over the head as Hanzo slammed the bowl down.

       Genji stared up at him, eyes wide. Natto slipped down his forehead, rice mixing into his hair.

       “I can’t believe you.”

       “Believe it.”

       “Did you just… make a Naruto reference?!”

       Hanzo looked Genji in the eyes, watching his brother’s aghast expression before smiling, lips curled up in a self-satisfied smirk as the cyborg groaned.

       Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that bad.

\----------------------------------------

       About a year into the recall, not five months after Hanzo followed Genji to Overwatch; things changed.

       Returning from a two week long stint in Cairo, Hanzo debriefed quickly. Fareeha, Mei, and Dr. Ziegler stayed behind with Winston to finish out the report as he stalked off. He needed a shower. And maybe some tea.

       A long, hot shower and change of clothes later, Hanzo strolled into the rec room; tea in hand. He settled onto the couch, lounging with his feet up on the table. Sakura padded after him, jumping up onto the couch. She kneaded at his thighs, settling down after a few moments with a content purr. Hanzo grinned, flipping the page of his book as he ran his fingers through her fur.

       He could hear unhappy growling from somewhere behind him. Hanzo rolled his eyes. At least the cat knew the repercussions of sudden attacks after a few good water sprays to the face.

       All in all, it was shaping up to be a good day.

       Hanzo hardly noted the passage of time, content to read as the sun set. His only disturbance being refilling his cup and feeding Sakura. Up until a new face disrupted his peace.

       The creaking door alerted Hanzo to company, his head snapping up to glare at whoever had disturbed his alone time-

       Only for his mouth to click shut, eyes wide as dinner plates.

       Standing in the doorway was the most gorgeous man he’d seen in his life.

       Tall, broad, with sun kissed skin and wild hair covered by an old, beaten stetson. His chest wrapped in a vibrant cloth (poncho?) and...he was wearing chaps. With matching boots and spurs.   

       Hanzo swallowed. It felt as the world had come to a standstill, some sappy old romance songs playing in the background. It was like the man had stepped right out of one of his (embarrassing) romance novels. The ones he hid under the bed, and read under cover of night. 

       The man paused, eyes narrowed for a moment, and Hanzo took the chance compose himself before he opened his mouth. “Hello-”

       “Haaaanzo! I’m home!!” The man said, voice sweet and deep and oh god he was gone. Hanzo blinked, eyes gone wide as he stared at this man. Who was apparently calling to him like an old lover? The man spoke again, cooing softly as Hanzo blinked.  “Hanzo, c’mere honeybunch!” The man kneeled down, arms outstretched.

       What the fuck was going on????

       Hanzo stuttered, mind suddenly gone blank as he stared. Was...this man talking to him? Really?

       Well...ok?

       Hanzo shifted, standing up…

       Til a blur shot out from under the couch.

       Hanzo the demon cat jumped at the Cowboy, the cat screaming like a bat outta hell. Hanzo winced. There goes that gorgeous face.

       Instead, the world flipped on its head.

       The man caught Hanzo in his arms. Hanzo purred, the sound audible across the room as the fluffball rubbed his face against the man’s neck and face like he was a giant cowboy shaped piece of catnip. The man laughed, the sound melodic against the feline’s purs. It didn’t help matter when the man started baby talking the demon.

       “Who’s my favorite kitten? YOU ARE! I missed you so much, my sugarplum, my sweetie-pie, cuppycake, snoogums boogums!!!!” The cat purred, having the audacity to nose-nudge and lick the man’s chin; coaxing a full, deep laugh from him. “Awww, I love you too, Hanzo, my baby pumkin!!!”

       Hanzo swallowed down a squeak, face gone scarlet as he skirted around the room to escape. He opened the door, intending to leave fast.

       And ran straight in chrome plating.

       Hanzo cursed, stepping back. Genji radiating smugness, bouncing on his toes with an ‘I know  something you don’t'–air. Hanzo huffed, lips drawing back in a snarl.

       “What Genji.”

       “I see you’ve met McCree.” Genji said, the cyborg vibrating. Hanzo rolled his eyes, fighting the blush on his cheeks.

       “Is that his name?” Hanzo said, crossing his arms.

       “Jesse McCree,” he said, a shit-eating grin in his voice, “Hanzo The Cat’s favorite person and the only one who has the title.”

       Well shit.

       “It is surprising the demon tolerates anyone’s presence.” Hanzo huffed, avoiding eye contact with his brother.

       Genji tilted his head, not unlike a bird. A shiver went down his spine. He knew that look.

       “McCree!”

       Oh no.

       Hanzo jumped, trying to pass Genji. Which failed, Genji grabbing his hand and pinning him to the spot. He could only watch in horror as the cowboy stood, devil cat cradled in his (gorgeous, muscular) arms.

       “Heya Genji!” The man grinned, smile wide as he tipped his hat. “Been a hot minute since I saw yeh. How’s that omnic of yours?”

       “Zenyatta is doing well, he’s joined Overwatch with me. But I’d like to introduce you to someone else.” Gesturing to Hanzo. Who wanted nothing more than to melt into the floor.

       “Oh? Well apologies for my bad manners. Names Jesse McCree. What’s your name stranger?”

       Hanzo froze, grinding his teeth for a moment before bowing his head. “Hanzo Shimada, at your service.”

       The cowboy stared, a confused look crossing his face as he looked to Genji for confirmation. The cyborg nodded, mask unreadable (at least to Hanzo). Jesse raised an eyebrow, a silent conversation between the two ending faster than it began. Jesse nodded, expression evening out before he grinned at Hanzo, the intensity almost stopping his heart.

       “Well, good to meet ya Hanzo. I think we’ll get along.” McCree grinned, his hand extended out.

       Hanzo blinked, pausing a moment before jolting to life. He grasped Jesse’s hand, enjoying the scratch of rough calluses against his own for a fleeting moment.

       Until the Cat screeched, biting down on Hanzo’s wrist.

       Hanzo swore, pulling his arm back as Jesse grabbed the cat by the scruff of the neck.

       “Hanzo! Behave!!” The cowboy scolded, bopping the cat on the nose.

       “Demon spawn.” Hanzo hissed, pressing down on the wound, blood sluggishly oozing out.

       The cat licked Jesse’s finger, purring like the angel it wasn’t.

       Genji laughed, grabbing Hanzo’s shoulder as he struggled to stay upright. Hanzo snarled, pushing the cyborg off of him. The cat purred, nuzzling up to Jesse’s chest.

       Smug bastard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satya frowned, pinching Hanzo before adding another line to the sprawling design. “Do not distract from the conversation. Your crush on the resident cowboy. Spill. Now.”
> 
> “There is no crush--”
> 
> “So when McCree arrived on base you did not act, and I quote, ‘like a girl losing her virginity on prom night’?” Satya smirked, finishing the peacock running up Hanzo’s right arm with a flick.
> 
> He was going to strangle Genji.

       He spent the next week avoiding his brother at every opportunity.

       He wasn’t hiding. No, not at all. He was not a child, hiding away from something so small as a crush and his brother’s constant teasing. No, he was just taking time to himself, meditating, spending extra time in Bastion’s garden and Hana’s video-game nightmare den.

       Satya was not so easily duped.       

       “I don’t see what your problem is _Tīrandāja_.”      

       Hanzo grumbled, fingers twitching as Satya ran a line of henna across his palm. Mei hummed, head in Hanzo’s lap as her henna dried.  

       “It is not a problem. Only a minor inconvenience.” Hanzo said, twitching as the wet paste met skin. His nose flared at the smell, distracting himself with another sip of tea. His skin itched, fingers twitching under the effort to stay still.

       “Wish I could use my hands right now.” Mei mumbled. “I want tea.”

       “You will just have to wait.” Hanzo smirked, his free hand lifting his own cup for a sip. Mei glared at him, burning a hole in his head as he looked away.

       Satya frowned, pinching Hanzo before adding another line to the sprawling design. “Do not distract from the conversation. Your crush on the resident cowboy. Spill. Now.”

       “There is no crush--” 

       “So when McCree arrived on base you did not act, and I quote, ‘like a girl losing her virginity on prom night’?” Satya smirked, finishing the peacock running up Hanzo’s right arm with a flick.

       He was going to _strangle_ Genji.

       “I did no such thing.” Hanzo huffed, chest puffed out as Mei laughed below him. Snowball made a sound he deciphered as a giggle, floating up to bump against his head with an affectionate sound (a beep? He couldn’t decipher snowball’s words as well as Bastion’s.).

       “He is cute.” Mei grinned, “Invite him, it’d be nice to have another member.”

       “No.” He grumbled, inspecting the winding design with a satisfactory huff, Satya’s gaze burning into his skull. “I have no interest in annoying, strapping cowboys that consort with demon cats.”

       Satya raised an eyebrow, elegant arch taunting as she smiled. Brilliant white teeth flashed, Hanzo’s eyes widening as he realized his fatal mistake.

       “Strapping?” She hummed, leaning forward to crowd in his space. Hanzo gulped, Adam’s apple bobbing at the scrutiny as he leaned back, trapped against the couch cushions.

       “Shut up.”

       “Make me.”

       Hanzo snarled, pushing Mei off his lap to stand. Satya leaned backed as the scientist whined, unable to use her hands as she flailed. “Aw Hanzoooo. Don’t go.”

       “Let him run Mei.” Satya hummed, cleaning her henna kit without sparing Hanzo a glance. “He’ll come to us for help when being a coward fails to bring results.”

       “You both can suffer.” Hanzo groused, abandoning his tea in favor of a hasty retreat. He snapped the door open, hinges creaking from the force. The sound drowned out Mei’s voice, forcing Hanzo to pause.

       “What.” Hanzo turned, halfway out the door.

       “Watch out.” Mei grinned.

       Hanzo blinked confusion replacing anger as swiftly as it had come. “Watch out for wha-”

       The demon Hanzo screeched, jumping from an air vent to dig its claws into Hanzo’s left shoulder, skin and tattoo splitting under the pressure. Hanzo swore, hands reaching to dig into the cat’s torso—

       “If you smear my work, I will ban you from the club for a month.”

       “Devil woman!” Hanzo spat, right hand falling to his side as he struggled to dislodge the cat with one hand. “At least assist me!”

       “You don’t need our help, you’ve got this under control yes?” She smirked, continuing to clean as Mei shrugged.

       “Can’t risk the ban, sorry Hanzo, you’re on your own.”

       Hanzo cursed, rapid-fire Japanese spilling from his lips before grabbing Hanzo by the tail, ripping him from his perch and throwing the demon away. The cat yowled, landing at Mei’s feet before bolting at Hanzo. He dodged, watching the cat speed out the door and disappear down the hall.

       “Perhaps we should focus on the cat problem first.” Satya mused.

       Hanzo glared at her, a hand pressed to his shoulder. The blood welled up between his fingers, dripping down his chest. It stained his _kyudo-gi_ , sticking to his skin in trails of tacky red goop. The wounds were small, but two deep cuts marred the dragons design. He snarled, spinning on his heel to storm out the door, slamming it behind him.

       He could hear their uproarious laughter two halls away.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

       “You shouldn’t aggravate Hanzo.” Dr Zeigler said, flitting around him as she cleaned his wounds. “He already dislikes you enough, there’s no need to escalate the situation.” 

       “You speak as though he is not the one attacking me.” He said, watching her bandage his shoulder with a precision that came with years of experience. Dr. Zeigler always preferred natural healing, as much of an inconvenience as it was. Something about the body becoming too used to nanobots and being unable to heal well on its own in the aftermath.  

       Zeigler sighed, stripping off her gloves as she met his gaze. “As much as I sympathize with your situation Agent Shimada, you will simply have to adjust to keeping your wits about you.”

       Hanzo huffed, stepping down from the examination table. He pulled up his gi’s sleeve, scowling as he tugged the shirt into place.

       “Without spraying him with water every time he’s in reaching distance, Agent Shimada.”

       “I make no promises for my behavior.” Hanzo said, grim scowl tilting up into a smirk. “As he does not either. If he behaves himself, we should no further problems.” Angela sighed through her nose, annoyance overcoming her professionalism. Hanzo bowed his head, leaving the med-bay before Dr. Zeigler could retort. She slipped off her gloves before tossing them into the waste-bin.

       “That man is going to be the end of me.”

       “Is something wrong Dr. Zeigler?” Athena asked. Angela shook her head.

       “No, Athena, thank you.” Angela responded. “Agent Shimada… frustrates me.”

       “He is an interesting individual.” Athena said, going silent after a moment. Angela sighed, sitting down at her desk before opening Agent Shimada’s patient file, updating the most recent developments. Hanzo had done a number on his shoulder, the few deep lacerations would scar the vibrant tattoo below. Angela huffed, a smirk crossing her face at the image of Agent Shimada realizing the fact.

       His antics were entertaining, at least.

       “Heya Angie.” Angela turned, swivel chair squeaking at the motion. Jesse grinned, strolling in with Hanzo wrapped around his shoulders like a fur coat. “What’s shaking?”

       “Jesse, how often must I ask you not to bring Hanzo into the med-bay with you?” Angela tutted, offering a single finger for inspection as Hanzo nipped her.

       “Ain’t like he gets along with anyone else on base.” Jesse hummed, “You’re the only person he tolerates outside a cuddling up with me all day long.”

       Hanzo mewed, jumping from Jesse’s shoulder to weave between Angela’s legs. She sighed, giving up on fighting the cat’s demands. “You two are as impossible to deal with as ever.”

       “You love it Angie, don’t even lie.”

       “I plead the fifth.” She laughed, hissing in pain as Hanzo bit into her ankle. She gripped him by the butt, dragging him up to boop him on the nose. “Hey! Behave young man.”

       Hanzo grumbled at her.

       Jesse chuckled, hefting Hanzo out of her hands as she cleaned up the small wound. She sighed, looking up to watch Hanzo curl into Jesse’s chest with an affectionate purr. 

      “That cat is insane.”

      “Hey! Just cause he ain’t all sociable don’t make him crazy.” Jesse pouted. “He’s just a little grumpy is all.”

      “Grumpy enough to attack everyone on base. Hanzo sr. seems to be the main target since he arrived in Gibraltar, however. The two seem to despise each other.”

      “Yeah, I figured that from when I met the guy. He’s got a stick up the ass don’t he? Haven’t seen him since Genji introduced him to me a week ago.”

       Angela rolled her eyes, “Would that not be the same day you called him your ‘Sweetie-pie’ and ‘pumkin’ when you were trying to baby talk Hanzo?”

       Jesse flushed, the tips of his ears going bright scarlet, metal fingers combing through wild hair for a moment. “Yeah well- didn’t quite think it through at the moment ta’ be honest. Plus I didn’t expect the man to be on base, ain’t like Genji gave me any warnin’.”

       Angela hummed, sipping at her (now cold) coffee before she cleared her throat, drawing Jesse’s attention back to her.

       “So?”

       “So what?” Jesse asked, blinking as Hanzo settled into his lap.

       “So are you going along with this... idea of Genji’s?”

       Jesse paused, biting his lower lip. “Ain’t my place to judge, if Genji wants to forgive and forget, then it’s fine by me. Ain’t like I was any different a few decades ago, with Gabe pickin’ me up offa the street and makin me something worth a damn. If I could get a second chance, then I can give one ta Shimada.”

       Angela paused, looking down at her palms, calloused fingers flexing as she digested Jesse’s words.

       “I believe I owe Agent Shimada a word of apology then.” She admitted. “I admit, I haven’t been the most hospitable in recent times.”

       “Well, no better time than the present.” Jesse chuckled, running a hand through Hanzo’s fur as the feline purred. “

       “How’s reeha by-the-by? She grow a pair and ask you out yet?”

       “Please--” She said, chin tilted up as blue eyes met amber. “I asked her out a year ago, next date is next week.”

       “WHAT?!” Jesse yelled, Hanzo yowling before jumping from Jesse’s lap. “And neither a you told me?! My own flesh and blood!”

       “Your own fault for falling off the map Cowboy.” Angela teased.

       “Oh no, now I want all the details. Spill.” Jesse grinned, leaning forward as Angela flushed.

      “Well, if you must know…”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

       Hanzo slipped into the canteen, scanning for Genji or the Cowboy before taking a seat on Hana’s right. The gamer barely reacted, huffing out a hello. He hummed back, digging into his rations without further prompting, unable to taste the noodles as he swallowed what he thought were bell peppers and tomatoes? Maybe? He didn’t give a shit. Food was food at this point.

       “Soooooooo….” Hana started, leaning back as she stretched her arms up, eyes sparkling with mirth. Hanzo sighed, shoulders curling in before Hana continued. “It’s been, what, two weeks since the Cowboy showed up? How’s the avoidance game going _Gigi_?”

       “I’m not avoiding anything.” Hanzo said, dinner abandoned in favor of confronting his ‘friend’, expression schooled as he glared at her. “How is it unreasonable to prefer certain company over others?”

       “So... you military scanning rooms for your brother is just, what? Assassin shit?”

       “Yes. Exactly.” Hanzo said, blinking at Hana. She grinned, wide as a cheshire cat, a chill running down Hanzo’s spine.

       “Well, you’re outta luck _Gigi._ ” Hana chuckled, flicking a quick salute behind Hanzo, his body stiffening at the movement.

       “ _Traitor_ ” He hissed under his breath, bristling as she winked, jumping out of her chair as Genji dropped onto an empty seat, wide grin splitting old scars, pinning Hanzo to his spot.

       “Been busy _Anija_?” He asked, eyebrows wiggling. “You haven’t told me what you think of Jesse.”

       “He’s fine, if not a complete fashion disaster.” Hanzo replied, brow furrowing as Genji whistled.

       “Oh please Anija, you nearly jumped into his big, strong, muscled arms when you met.”

       “You exaggerate.” Hanzo rolled his eyes, crossing his arms before tilting his chin up, a challenge.

       “No, I elaborate.” Genji said. “C’mon Human H, just admit you want some sweet, _sweet,_ cowboy ass.”

       “I told you not to call me that—” Hanzo glared at Genji—"and you are being more ridiculous than normal. Which is a statement that dumbfounds the last sane brain cells left in me.”

       “Yeah yeah, I’m a mess of a human being, I know I know.” Genji groaned, waving off Hanzo’s frustration with a casual flick of his hand.

       “This conversation is ridiculous.” Hanzo snapped, standing as the canteen door opened, a distinctive drawl flowed into the room. Hanzo froze, face twisting in panic as McCree stepped into the room.

       “Jesse!” Genji called out, winking at Hanzo as the cowboy veered toward them. Hanzo turned, mumbling a ‘good day’ under his breath. Genji could cackle with glee, Hanzo glaring at the cowboy while Jesse tried to make small talk. To anyone else, Hanzo was an unreadable slab of stone, but to Genji he was an open book. Seeing his brother try to avoid contact with his crush? Fucking priceless.

       Oh, this would be _so_ fun.

       “Jesse, join me and Human Hanzo.” He said. Hanzo glare at him as Jesse’s face lit up, lips wrapping around an unlit cigar with an audible pop.

       Genji watched as Hanzo’s eyes widened, locked on the motion before he cleared his throat.

       Hanzo near jumped out of his skin, mumbling a quiet ‘goodbye’ before speeding out of the room.

       Genji roared, cackling as Jesse’s face morphed from serious to confused.

       “Ok, what’s going on? Did I offend the poor bastard?” Jesse asked, eyebrow arched.

       “Human H is just being dumb.” Genji hummed. Jesse blinked, leaning forward.

       “Oh? How so?”

       Too easy.

       “Oh? What’s got Agent H up in a tizzy?” Jesse sat in the chair across from Genji, hat tipped back as he grinned.

       “Cause I named your demon cat after him, and now everyone calls him Human Hanzo.” Genji chuckled. “When D.Va called him that I swear he burst an artery.”

       “That’ll make a man right mad for sure.” Jesse said, expression passing for serious before he yelped, tilting forward as Hanzo dug his claws into his shoulders, getting comfy on his perch as Jesse groaned. “Damn Hanzo, you could give a man warning.”

       Hanzo nipped his ear in response.

       Genji sighed, watching Jesse hiss in pain and argue with a cat.

       He’d try again later.

\------------------------------------

       Hanzo could hear Genji’s laughter echoing in his head as escaped into the base garden. He bowed, kneeling by a bed of Hydrangea flowers, breath ragged as he struggled to calm himself.

       The sight of Agent McCree’s stupid perfect face, chapped, wide lips wrapping around a cigar so perfectly, a shine of spit against the corner of his kissable mouth—

       God, he was so fucked.

       The heavy sounds of footsteps snapped him back to reality. Hanzo looked up, listening as Bastion whistled, beeping as Ganymede landed on top on Hanzo’s head, pecking at his bow.

       “Ah... I apologise for worrying you Bastion.” Hanzo sighed, reaching into a small pouch and offering Ganymede some seeds. The bird chirped, jumping into his hand like always, pecking away. Bastion whined, tilting his head down for a moment before nodding and shuffling away. Hanzo watched his friend water a small cactus plant, running a finger over Ganymede’s head until he had finished eating, nipping at Hanzo’s fingers.

       “Ganymede, what am I to do now?” He groaned, slumping at the answering chirp.

       Wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 More gay disaster and crazy friends. Hanzo needs so much help.  
> I hope you enjoy the ridiculousness!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo here we are?? I finally got around to this? Based on the original idea by roseyebright from tumblr!! Go check them out!!! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this mess of fluff, i'll be updating this about once a month, as a break from my atlantis fic. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos feed me! Thank you for reading!!!


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